La Conquista

This is what I cannot seem to put down today, and believe it or not, it's actually a book I'm assigned... it is finally here, the day when my Spanish-American civ class has finally become interesting, even entertaining. Now that's something to be thankful for.
Maybe it's because I love the way Sara is so assertive, how she just goes after what she wants without hiding, without questioning herself, without being afraid of how things will turn out. In her life, she's quiet but confident, and in her mind, she is a goddess, she is persuasive, she is in control. She doesn't imagine being seduced... she is the seducer. And in love-- she sees Karl as the man he strives to become, she sees him as his dream, in just the way he wishes he could be. Everything about the way she cares for him is just romantic. She is fascinated with his hands, the way he moves them about as he speaks to her, the subtle contours of his fingers and their soft trembling as he pushes the hair out of his eyes.
The money. It was just that she spent it on an autographed first edition of a Jorge Luis Borges, (que especial) and how could he not understand? She didn't mean to spend the money as if to say she didn't want to marry him, she spent it because she saw no other way. A bibliophile to the core, her weakness is self-evident. Cuándo ella vio ese libro, su anillo de boda fue un afterthought.
She cannot follow him wherever his education takes him and still follow her dreams, yet they are never apart in mind or spirit, this is love.
I am looking at the world through rose-colored glasses...
and I am caught
k

with you in my garden

...it's more peaceful inside.
Although I should be sleeping right now, my body and mind are incessant with irregularities--I lack any real regularity in my schedule, diet, sleep or sanity. Sometimes I wish for an alternate life and wake up ready to make it happen... other times, I just wake up. Of course this is one of my greatest fears, that one day I'll just start going on auto pilot and never stop... I try searching for simplicity, because navigation becomes fluid. Although not surprising, minimalism remains appealing and poignant, on the verge.
I've come to remember things I love about traveling, like warm and soft suede and shearling clog style slippers with soles. They are are truly the best thing to come out of Australia in ages, surely meant to be worn on an airplane. I remember making fun of the people who I would see in slippers and robes at the grocery store when I was a kid, how deserving that I am becoming one of them, the next willing subject of diversion for the new generation. And ipods, oh my, the best invention since, well, CD players! Now I can keep thousands of my personal favorite tunes on a device smaller than the palm of my hand, not to mention it is way easier to navigate than my mind, nay I might even outsmart myself with it. Although, hands down, truly one of the best perks is how shamelessly organized I can keep it all in there-- a perfectionist's luminous fetish. It reminds me how I need to say thankyou David for all of the music, your taste is truly nothing less than impeccable. I aspire to be such a connoisseur, for my part, someday. Until then, sleep, maybe.
k

what dreams may come

Reading an entry in a nameless blog has sparked an interest relating to my previous post on bioethics. It has come to my attention that there are some in the medical profession that deem certain ways to die as "dignified"and "undignified." Is it just me, or is there a major problem with us labeling death this way, or labeling death at all for that matter?
Who is anyone to say that if a person is kept alive artificially for years but is then taken off life support they will die an "undignified" death? And while if a doctor stands by a DNR, providing only chest compressions and using limited cardiac medications with an IV, and the patient passes away in this situation, is this apparently a "dignified" death. Or how about this-- a patient has a so-called palliative treatment where all pharmaceutical treatment is stopped with the exception of a morphine dosage, amped up to "kill the pain" as it progressively worsens. My question here would be: what then causes death but liver failure as the body makes its last attempt to detoxify near-lethal doses of morphine? Oh, but apparently this method too is considered a "dignified death."
I can't deny this labeling of death has always been done through different means in religion, literature, history, and maybe even in our own minds we've imagined scenarios we deem more acceptable or appropriate than others. Still it seems outrageous to label the ways to die. Because, if we're going to be on that page, let us then, for we might as well, nominate the most morbid candidate for high school prom queen.
Must society be so quick to slap labels on everything? Can't we just let death be what it is? Society deems it a vicious haunting of the living as an unavoidable end to our current existence. People fear it at first, but then cannot wait for it to come? Yet the intuitive and sensible thing to do is to live honorably while we are given time, and then for what ensues, what dreams may come... we cannot know, but must have faith in.
k

in the absence of consideration

Let me just climb on my soapbox today to say that I have the right to be a annoyed... and no, it has nothing to do with "ladies days" or a lame excuse like that. Who decided to give us students another two days off and not let me know?? Right now, I'd like to ask this of not one, but two of my professors who decided to cancel class on the day of class with no notice other than a piece of paper plastered to the classroom door both yesterday and today. Thanks, guys.
If I, a twenty-two year old over-worked and sleep-deprived student, can get my butt to class every day, why can't you, the teacher-- get your butt to class too? And you could at least have the decency of letting us know about these things sooner so we could have extended our snowy vacations by half a week!?!
Ah, consideration... I assure you, is not overrated.
Hey, I'm all for making this semester go by as fast as possible. Class? Ha! Who needs it anyways. Hand me my snow boots. I'm outta here. As if my effort wasn't already holding on by a thread...
k

on bioethics and "mercy"

I'd like to begin by saying a quick bit about Million Dollar Baby. I have not seen this movie, nor may I ever, but I'd still like to point out the fallacy of the situation it addresses and relate it to the bill signed in to law today by our president. I wish people would quit comparing this idea of "mercy killing" to reality... in the movie (stop reading if you don't want to know how it ends) the woman has a severe spinal cord injury and (yada yada yada) doesn't deem her life worth living any longer. Since she is not incapacitated and still able to speak and reason about her decision to live, the doctors and hospital are legally obligated to do as she desires... even if that means turning off a ventilator and thus ending her life as dictated by her signature and checkmarks on a living will. However, in the movie, her coach must "help" her die by giving her a lethal dose of adrenaline coupled with disconnecting a ventilator. Come on folks-- this is Hollywood! Even if you've never worked in the medical profession and are completely daft you should understand that this would not happen.
Now, let us move on to the recent debate of Terri Schiavo. Many people defending this woman's right to live say Terri's fate is between her and God, and the decision to remove her feeding tube does not belong to her husband. But to those who feel this way, I'd like to ask if the insertion of a feeding tube to begin with was interfering with a decision that should have been left to the woman and God. I apologize for the awkwardness of this question, but what I'm getting at is the blurring between the distinction of saving and taking a life. In either case, aren't we "playing God" in some way? Obviously, I'm not trying to say here that medicine shouldn't strive to save people under all immediate circumstances-- this is the integral philosophy of medicine but it does bring up a good point. Just as the religious beliefs of some prohibit certain types of medical treatments like blood transfusions or chemotherapy in writing, people should take the idea of a living will more seriously, that way our fate won't have to be decided by congress, but by what we decide for ourselves. It's a personal decision-- those who want to be kept alive, even if in a "persistent vegetative state" will be kept alive, with no questions asked, and those who feel they'd rather die if in the same state can have their wishes considered with the same respect.
The NIH says a persistent vegetative state is: "a term commonly, but incorrectly, referred to as 'brain-death' that can follow a coma. People in [this] state cannot think, speak or respond to commands and are not aware of their surroundings. They may have noncognitive functions and breathing and circulation may remain relatively intact. They might move spontaneously and even grimace, cry or laugh. Some might regain some awareness after being in a persistent vegetative state but others might remain in the state for decades."
The principles of bioethics tell us that when a person is unable to speak for themselves, it is the person closest to them that should be left to make decisions on their behalf. As I'd like to believe, our country respects the sanctity of marriage above all others in this regard, therefore this person would be her husband. Is this to say the wishes of her parents and siblings should not be honored? Hardly, and I would dare to argue that in many analogous situations, the spouse's feelings correspond with the feelings of the parents, thus, these decisions do not become so volatile and tragic to either party. Without coming out and saying whether this decision is right or wrong, ultimately it seems awkward for it to be in court. Where then does it belong in this crazy circumstance? Well, let us all be prepared for next time and put it on paper. It'll save our survivors and advocates lot of grief and media attention too. It is sad that we must go to such lengths, but people are given so many options nowadays that it may not be long before we forget what it's like to die in peace of natural causes. oh, and you might want to watch out for that slippery slope too.
k

the environment of paranoia

I watched Bowling For Columbine earlier today on Sundance... not because I particularly care for the "art" of Michael Moore, but because the idea of watching a movie that follows America's obsession with guns was intriguing, and I suppose boredom was setting in at the end of spring break. It seemed more objective than I was expecting, or maybe that was the grand illusion. If you're going to give Moore credit for anything, at least give him a bit of credit for making things happen, not necessarily big things...but things, for example: getting kmart to stop selling bullets. I'm not sure if this has really solved anything, and it certainly wasn't Moore himself that made this happen, but rather his influence and the presence of his cameras.
The constant comparisons between the US and Canada are abundant: Canadians have just as many guns as the US, watch the same violent movies, play the same violent video games, have similar ethnic diversity, have just as much poverty with even more unemployment. Yet there are striking differences such as the presence of universal healthcare, the phenomenon where people don't lock their doors at night, and then there's the obvious "gotta love 'em" pacifistic attitude many have in nearly any situation. So the question really is, why are there thousands more deaths by gunshot wounds each year in the US than in Canada when there are similarities in reasonable aspects people would think to compare: i.e. volume of weapons, violence in the media, ethnic diversity, poverty, ect?
The question, if even answerable, is nearly impossible as there are too many variables to consider. However, it did make me think--how much does our environment influence us? This question could be applied especially to children and adolescents, but also to adults. If I moved to Canada tomorrow, would I simply stop being prudent about locking my doors and just let anything or anyone in? Would my environment make me feel more comfortable and allow me to change my perspective? People often wonder how environment affects children, but this seems too obvious. If two children had nearly identical SES and opportunities, but one was the child of divorced parents, and the other had parents who were still married, would the difference in family life cause one to be a criminal and the other a white collar success? Cause, now that word may be questionable, but the contribution seems relevant without a doubt. By the same token, if two adolescents ran with two different social crowds, how would this contribute to their "success" in life?
No matter what environment someone grows up in, there are attributes to a person that will remain. Although much of who we are is a result of our environment: the support, instruction and guidance we're given by our families, elders, religion and society, a person still has to have the ability to make decisions, and understand the consequences. This seemingly simple concept proves to be a difficult task for a lot of people. To me it seems all too obvious, but then again, maybe I just grew up in the "right" environment which gave me all of the "right" tools...
Well, for now I'll just go to bed, with my 44 secure in the cabinet and two deadbolts on the door. Trust my neighbors-- what? Americans are certainly guilty of a shameless, nearly soul- penetrating habit-- paranoia.
k

what next?

It becomes hard to concentrate as I stare at traffic and the glare from the windshield is blinding. Leaving ten minutes late can put you behind by thirty in this city. Everyday it becomes more difficult to get off on my exit and not just take the interstate all the way north. I remember contemplating living in a shady two bedroom apartment next to a Diamond Shamrock station in Colorado Springs... utilities included for $500/month.
There are points in life when you hope the wind might take you anywhere it blows, when a simple decision might lead you on path you had always known you would take. It's not a good thing to go to a job and resent it (duh, you're thinking), but people do it every day--a lot of people. I don't want to be that person, but my job is making me nuts. I'd go elsewhere, but my greed binds me-- good salary, paid vacation and health benefits. They're doing anything and everything to keep me, but my dreams lie elsewhere. So what do you do when you can't quite get to those dreams, and don't want to be left back at square one? Do you tough it out, keep your mouth shut and live for tomorrow? Maybe it depends on the time frame, just like 75% of the classes I've taken at ASU... you can't really stand them and wouldn't take them again, but need to get through them just to get through them and move on. Interestingly enough, on my graduation "exit survey" about ASU, when asked if I'd pursue the same major if given a chance to start over, I circled the "don't know" bubble. I'd like to think you really can't tell until you've given it more of a chance... I should have circled the "ask me in ten years" bubble (HA! As if that were an option...) Patience, that's all it takes, that's easy to say but difficult to follow through with when it's your life you're talking about... give me the strength to make it.
k

after 1900 miles

Who's to say what's to come when you start on a trip halfway across this beautiful country? Generally, I'm pretty awful at predicting these things, but let us just say I made it back in four days, and even had fun along the way.
Phoenix Sky Harbor
Wait 40 minutes to check in on counterintuitive electronic console, then another hour in line for security. Flight to Chicago is delayed 2 hrs... which means I'll miss my connecting flight to Madison. Ugggghhhh... spend 40 minutes at the customer service desk while the man next to me is literally screaming obscenities to the helpless man behind the counter. I Smile politely and ask what I should do... they'll put me up in a hotel in Chicago for the night so I can catch the flight to Madison from O'Hare at 6:45 AM.
O'Hare
Holy crap... this is the hugest, busiest airport I've ever been in, worse than Heathrow or Charles DeGaulle and it's 11:30 PM on a Friday. Get to hotel at 12 AM, must be at airport by 4:45 AM to check in, which means exactly 3 hrs of sleep. Arrive at O'Hare 4:30 AM, join 1 hr check in line behind 12 sorority girls from Iowa... they don't get out much, one is already drunk, and the rest are waiting until they get in the air on their flight to Cabo. There must be nothing else to do but drink in Iowa.
Madison
It is f*ing cold here. My fingers are practically frozen and I have gloves on at -5 degrees Fahrenheit. Hmmm... this is what I've chosen for spring break? Go in to town, check out med school at UW Madison. It's a beautiful campus, right on the lake, State Street's a north eastern version of Mill Ave, with more spunk... buy some sweet cheap used CD's at a local store. I could deal with this.
Illinois, Iowa, Nebraska
It's all a flat 85 mph blur now... stop at outlet mall in BFE Iowa, go to Coach outlet, buy cute pink cashmere scarf. Pull 16 hour driving day to make it over the border into...
Colorado
Arrive at 10 PM and spend the night in beautiful, errr, quaint Sterling. Wake up and drive into Estes Park... it is soooo beautiful here I might not ever leave. It's hard to believe this is the place that inspired The Shining, that was a creepy movie... have visions of blood spilling out of elevator and frightening twin girls in blue dresses and shiny black patent leather mary janes. But then, in comes the snow. Rocky Mountain National park is not for us, not today... damn. Wear new scarf. Drive into Boulder... check out CU Boulder campus. I'd go here in a heartbeat, if they had a med school, but that's in Denver. Drive in to Denver, check out downtown and CU Denver health sciences center and med school. It's located at University Hospital and right next to the VA... although they don't take many out of state students (about 10% of the class), I'll apply here--why not? Denver is beautiful, and bustling. It reminds me of Phoenix with more culture, and the snow adds some personality too... they actually have seasons here. Drive to Colorado Springs, go to dinner at the coolest brewery downtown, have a pint... a light Queen Anne ale. I know there's mountains around here somewhere, but it's too snowy to see them now. Go to hotel, finish paper for damn internet class and send it off. Wake up next morning and go tour the Olympic Training Center... that place is amazing. They train for all winter events, cycling, basketball, gymnastics, weightlifting while olympic hopefuls live in dorms on site. Go observe weightlifting room and boxing tournament... get hit on by a few weightlifters after they put down 250 kg and need a break. Finally see the mountains, they are magnificent and majestic... reaching for the sky with grace and beauty--this is my favorite town on the trip. Begin blinding white drive to...
New Mexico
But don't get too far today... I-25 is snow-packed. They got 38 inches of snow in the last two days, and there are only 15 snow plows working. Governor of NM declares 8 counties a state of emergency. Get stranded in Las Vegas, NM... as the interstate is closed and it's still snowing, oh joy. There are only 2 motel rooms left in the whole backwards town, and all the nice places are taken. Chat with two locals, their story is that NM is the 5th largest state in the country and the second poorest. That's no excuse. Waitress at diner tells us to turn "up" the street to get to Walmart... do you suppose "up" is right or left? Anyhow, sleep in shady motel, would sleep in car, but it's going to be -10 tonight, no thanks. Pray, then wake up to get out of New Mexico as soon as possible, yet another 85 mph landscape blur arriving in...
Arizona
Which might be the prettiest state, behind Colorado of course, on our trip. Stop in Flagstaff for a brief encounter. I wish there was a med school here, but I am all out of luck... coffee will have to do for now. Drive to Phoenix-- the desert is greener than I've ever seen it, and there are bugs of every color splattered on the windshield. It's good to be home in the 75 degree weather... a climate that doesn't require more than 1 layer of clothing is always appreciated.

My mind's been clearing, and I feel better now that I've had some time to regain my sanity... get back to simplicity and back to nature. I've done a favor for a friend and she is so grateful, yet this trip was as much for me as it was for her. I stop to appreciate all that I have, and it is so much. My life is so rich with wonderful friends and family... I could not ask for more, but only be thankful for what I have. I have hope for peace of mind, heart and soul... thank you
k

defeat the disappointment

Finding out four years of work has become not good enough for what you want. How do you deal? Well-- I suppose you must simply suck it up and just deal with it already... this is what I'm telling myself. There's nothing more to do than defeat the disappointment and do better next time-- that's where I'm headed. And I know just what I need-- Evil 7-hour test with 5000 pages of study material...(ding!) we're going into round 2.
I'll enjoy a year off... there hasn't been a year of my adolescent and adult life when I've not been in school. I'll go to Ecuador for a month, I'll get a real job and earn a full-time salary for once. I'll study for the test and concentrate on life for a bit, find the more important things and then the cycle starts again. It's all for the best-- it always is, this is why we can't say, "it's not supposed to be this way," because if it wasn't supposed to be that way, it wouldn't be. But it can ultimately be anything...I value my life, I value my dream and I believe in myself-- bring it on.
k

on time and eternal sunshine

The conversation in my spanish class this evening stumbled like a drunkard attempting to walk a straight line. Does time disappear after it passes, if so, where does it go? Oh, and so much more importantly- if your spouse were incarcerated for 15 years, would you even recognize them when it was through, or stay married to them for that matter? Holy sh*t-- It's as if I just unleashed a basket of angry snakes, and now they're slithering, crawling up your legs, so... what do you say?
Time-- it's internal, and it becomes more so after it passes. The pieces and remnants left behind-- the memories themselves are dynamic, changing every time we access them. Our perception as we recall our memories essentially changes them. Eternal Sunshine is a great movie on many levels... not only does it show us how are memories are connected, modified and accessed in our minds, it brings up the point that no time in life is truly wasted. Even if something such as a relationship doesn't end up working out "positively" in the end, the experience and memory of such an event modifies you. To be altered in the end (and you should be) is the consequence of time and decision. To evade this is wrong, and the only person losing anything meaningful in the end is you. We can't have eternal sunshine, or spotless minds, and we shouldn't want these things because to feel pain is to be human, and the knowledge of pain is what helps us to avoid it and value its absence. I have a major problem with the abuse of antidepressants, and their new-found statistically significant suicidal influences. What it all proves is that there's no magic pill or treatment for anything and everything-- we can't save everyone. We all get down sometimes, and it's got to be said how that is normal to spite the zoloft commercials that plead with us to believe otherwise and even animate our frowning neurotransmitters. Aren't they soooo damn cute?
I'm waiting for the day when our control freak tendencies will become obsolete, when we'll be left to fend for ourselves with our own personal strength. For then it'll become more obvious how all of the memories and experiences and the soul within come together to make us complete. With hope, someday I'll feel whole and even revel in my complacent animated neurotransmitters...
k

wine and feminism

As I sit here and enjoy a 70 dollar bottle of 92 rated pinot noir from Oregon, I can't help but wonder what it is exactly that makes a good wine. Sure, I enjoy it, but at a mere 22 years, how can I possibly know what makes a good wine? Ah Ha! Maybe that's just it... maybe what makes a good wine is simply the way it tastes.
It coats the glass ever so slightly, but dare me to find a single sediment. It's the perfect temperature, just a bit cooler than the room. As it first touches my tongue, there's a fullness, an inviting presence as it coats the rest of my mouth. No bitterness here, not even a hint, nothing that shouts at you, but as I swallow I notice it is somewhat spicy. It leaves my mouth satisfied, not dying for more, but not quite ready to put the glass down without another sip.
hmmmm... I think to myself, I'd drink this again. But how many times have I tried a wine and it made my nose scrunch up as if I'd just inhaled some noxious concoction from organic chemistry lab? Note to self: drink more expensive wine, with a high alcohol content, something like 14.4%, so at least I'll almost forget about enjoying it after I've had enough.
This glass of wine is well-deserved. I've just finished a somewhat gruelling paper for my spanish-american civ class about "la lucha chicana," the battle of the mexican-american woman to be "equal." Well, here's the point when I'm going to start going off...
I was walking to the MU on campus this week and there was a guy holding a door open for this girl walking a ways in front of me. They weren't "together," nay they probably didn't even know each other, but imagine my dismay as she says, "no way" and opens another one of the eight doors for herself. I wonder to myself if that really just happened as the poor fellow lowers his head, enters and doesn't look back. I wonder if he'll ever try that again.
What is wrong with people that they can't just appreciate a corteous gesture without reading so much into things? I wonder if that girl was thinking to herself, "if you let him hold that door open for you, all of the women in this world that have fought for equality will have lived and died in vain." So many women are a walking contradiction. I try to avoid this, although I'm probably guilty too, but at least I'm not so damn blatant about being a bitch... the key words here are tact, class and appreciation.
I'll admit it- I don't want women to be equal. They never will be either, because until we truly are exactly the same, we'll never be alike. After all, I'd like to believe it is the differences between the sexes that bring us together. No, I'm not attracted to men because they have the same "feminine" qualities I have... that would be and is damn annoying.
What I do want, however, is to be my own person, and stand and survive on my own. I don't want to have to depend on a man, I want to decide to depend on a man. Realize that men depend on us also. Too many women get so caught up in trying to be equal that they forget what they really want. We women can have everything we want, and even enjoy it when our men hold doors open for us or buy us flowers, "just because." Being a woman is something to be proud of- with our bodies we harbour life, we nourish and care for our children until they can do so for themselves. Hell if I'd ever relenquish that opportunity just to be "equal."
Here's the final message: open less doors for yourself, at least try love yourself the way you are and drink more expensive wine.
k

purple haze

It's outside, among the clouds, stewing in the atmosphere, and inside--looking out, the sheer curtains give all that touches the light a purple glow. Los paredes, las almohadas, las velas-- mi vida esta morada.
I was taking a break from studying earlier and decided to get a *free astrological personal profile* of myself, all thanks to my junk mail and boredom. Here's what it says:

Birth Data for Kim:
Birth Date........... December 24, 1982
Birth Location..... Kingston, PA
Sun Sign............ Capricorn

Your Reading:

Serious, disciplined, and quietly ambitious, you are driven to prove yourself and to achieve material accomplishments and success. Your work, your position in the world, and your contributions to society are very important to you. You will persevere through enormous hardship and frustration in order to reach a goal you have set for yourself, and you often sacrifice much in the area of personal relationships and home life in order to do so.
You have a thoughtful, quiet, and self-contained disposition and do not readily show your inner feelings and needs. You seem to be always in control, capable, efficient, and strong. You are often the person in the family or group who is given more responsibility (and more work) than the others. You are highly conscientious and even as a child you possessed great maturity, soberness, and worldly wisdom.
You are clear-headed, detached and objective, and are not swayed by emotional dramatics. Often you are authoritarian -strictly fair, but without mercy. You have a great respect for tradition and even if you do not agree with certain laws, you will abide by them or work to change them, but never flagrantly disregard them. Careful and conservative, you play by the rules. You are subtle, understated, quiet, deep, not easy to know intimately, and never superficial. You are a modest person and sometimes overly self-critical. Giving yourself (and others) permission to feel, to play, to be spontaneous and silly, and to be weak and vulnerable sometimes, isn't easy for you. Your strong points are your depth and thoroughness, patience, tenacity, and faithfulness. Your faults are a tendency to be rigid and inflexible, and too serious.
You have a healthy amount of self-control and self-discipline. You also radiate a rather responsible, trustworthy, solid feeling about yourself which will win you the confidence of others, especially your superiors.
Gentle, idealistic, and peace-loving, you often seek to avoid the hard realities of life. You undergo deep, transformative changes in your life with relative ease and a minimum of conscious resistance. Because you don't avoid the depths, you have access to a lot of personal power and strength. Without realizing it or seeking it, you're apt to have quite a potent effect on the people you come into contact with, even superficially. Others sense that you're a force to be reckoned with. You are also a good strategist, and will plan and patiently follow a realistic course which will lead to your eventual success. Serious-minded and studious, you enjoy quiet time alone for thinking or reading. You have the ability to please and harmonize well with others and tend to ameliorate relationships between people. Your sense of humor, tact, and personal charm are of great benefit to you in any work with people on a one-to-one level.

Well, now that's over... there were more than a just a few contradictions in there, but some things appear to be somewhat accurate, I guess. I don't know if it told me anything I didn't already know, and they make these things so they'll work for anyone. How else can you explain astrology? Awwww, hell... that was a bit of a diversion, wasn't it? Even if you don't take this crap seriously, you can't deny that it's at least a bit fun sometimes. Now back to the books.
k

first things first

I guess the whole idea of writing in one of these things is plain egotistical... the idea that the craziness in my head might come out sounding poetic or introspective is asking for a lot and not very likely to happen. I struggle with this image of a someone... am I supposed to be this person, or is this person me? There's a soul, and a mind there if you believe that... and a far from perfect shell, but something makes it all come together. "[I'm] stuck together with God's glue," as Bono puts it, and there's nothing else to explain it. Still I find trouble with earthly posessions, situations, and desires. Back to the image- something I simply cannot ever fulfil, because frankly, nothing is ever good enough in this world.
Do you ever go too deep inside your head and wonder if you'll ever come out? I've found sleep can help with that. I'm so frustrated with myself right now... why can't intentions just be verbalized, pure, plain and simple? Communication would be near obsolete. We'd be able to pick out honesty and motivation... find who is pure at heart. Learning from deception should make you callous, yet it does not if you can still see the world, looking for the best, with hope. To me, it seems he who does not have hope is a truly frightening individual... the state is to resign to the evils that tempt without further seeking a greater good in life. I dare not ever lose hope... it sustains me.
But what then as you know someone who occupies more of your thoughts than you'd like to admit? Honesty becomes difficult... not because it's impure, but because it leaves too much exposed. I am afraid. There--I said it. And (imagining) there are things you admit...that after, you are left so bare you feel nothing left- and you'd be completely altered, not just someone influenced by a situation, but part of something entirely new.
I've heard a lot about love. Hell, who hasn't. I think love must be the container for the most intense parts of all things. And I'm a hopeless romantic searching for perfection... perfection doesn't seem like the right word (where's the thesaurus?), but perfection iteself is highly subjective. It'll be truth, kindness, humility, honesty, thoughtfulness, care, intelligence, tact, support, protection, loyalty, dedication, and leadership. There's a saying that goes something like this: If both give all of themselves, and each holds the other completely, then the two will be both one and whole. I might be searching forever, but what if it's right in front of me? Dare I be bold enough to put myself on the line, for then might I find something bearing resemblance to... myself.
k