a new spark

It's hard to be objective...
especially when it comes to your own life.
I need a plan of action-- one that will get me where I want to go.
I've been talking to doctors, browsing the net, looking at some pre-med forums, thinking really hard about what I need to do. It's already a done deal, I'm re-taking the MCAT, putting in some more volunteer work at the hospital, and continue to work at the office, although I'll be starting a new position soon... I'll be a medical secretary, to be exact. Basically, it will be my job to triage patients as they call in, report messages to the physician and call the patient back with a plan of action, or phone a script in to the pharmacy; it will be new, and for me, this an excellent thing.
As for med school... arghhh, it's even annoying to talk about it, but I've got to pick some out. I know a guy applying to 28 schools!! That is a bit too many to keep track of in my mind-- I think I'll apply to maybe 10-15?! That's if I can find that many that I want to go to.
I'm looking at staying out west (AZ, CA--maybe), or mid-west (MO, OK, WI, ND), but there are a few schools back east, Penn State, University of Vermont, maybe others, if I can convince myself there's other schools I might want to go to. I'm also looking at 3 or 4 D.O. schools, which might be really worthwhile in the long run. I've got to send my apps soon, although they probably won't look at them until my new MCAT scores are in, and this is part of the stress...
I'm working hard though, hopefully it will pay off in the end, or else, more hard work!!
but does it ever end?
at least I'm more optimistic about it at this point, and that's always good.

Fortune cookie I got yesterday:
"listen to what you know, not what you fear."

that's always good advice for a second-time MCATer who despises physics

k

are we all lost?

Some people swear by it... they will never be like their friends, never make the same mistakes and decisions that they can see are so wrong... yet we all end up in the same place.
There are about four friends of mine that are all in the same situation I'm finding myself in as of late. We've all recently graduated to find ourselves unable to find a better job than one that we've held while going through undergrad. sigh.
Are we just not worth what we think we're worth, or is there something more? Is it really our fault we can't find a job that will pay us more than twenty five thousand dollars a year? But it's not just the money... at least for me, it's more the monotony... It's the frustration that I'm not doing what I want to be doing with my career, at least, not yet.
Then there's the loneliness... Then the realization that getting out of undergrad is really an awkward time in life, so no wonder it's depressing. You're moving out of your parents' place, taking a step away from your position in that family, but you don't have your own family yet either. I'm not saying I'd go out tomorrow and marry some random guy just to have a family, but there's a lot to be said for not feeling like you belong anywhere anymore.
And going out... puh-leeze... like I'm ever going to find someone I'll ever relate to at a bar... It's just so lame and empty to even try. Maybe I'm just a grinch or a loner, but I won't play that game. I'm too old for that. People at bars are only looking to hook up, for something they'll never get from me. I guess I'll save them the trouble by not showing up.
I just have to keep reminding myself that there's more out there for me than that, but it's hard to stand up straight and keep believing that when you can never seem to keep your grip on it, and it slips away... here today, gone tomorrow. Was it ever really there, was it even mine to touch?
I need consistency. All women do. We're completely insecure... all of us, thinking if you don't call or write, surely you've found someone smarter, prettier, skinnier, sweeter. We need constant reassurance that your feelings haven't changed, while men are more likely not to say anything unless something actually has changed.
We're all lost in stumbling words and mumbles, but more so in what we don't say.
So what can we do but go on. get up for work tomorrow and keep going. somewhere.

k

good advice

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Sometimes effort can be effortless.
thank you for that...

k

please

the days go by so fast
sometimes I can't help but wonder if I'm missing out on life as I sit here and stare at 5,000 pages of study material for my favorite test. again.
then I come back around... thank God for circular reasoning
when I can say to myself, "well, what else would you be doing if not this?"
what about watching the oc because it's better than thinking about my own life right now
that's no excuse... that's depression so I'm told...
we try so hard to become the things we want to be
to have the things we want to have
to reach those we want to reach
when there is not enough success as you go, it's hard to look ahead with bright eyes.
I want something more that I can't seem to have
so where do I go from here?
what more can I do?
words.
time.
faith.
strength.
sometimes they're overrated.
no...
when all I want is you
and I can't make it happen
and I can't just forget
so where do I go from here?
and please don't say nowhere because I'm already there

k

just to be here...

Trapped... inside a house, inside a job, inside a book, inside a song, inside myself, and worse... inside my head.
When more makes sense outside than within... are we unmistakably lost?
As these metaphoric walls close in around me, I look for the faith, purity and charm that might not be so easily recognized. An enigma is surely more fascinating than a tell-all... and why is it one person can make the world seem easier, better, and lovelier than before? More importantly--do I have it in me to be that person to someone?
It's easier to be alone when you're with others. This idea in itself is not a contradiction, although it might be seemingly so. People, however, can be. Am I but a speaking, thinking, reading, writing contradiction? Sometimes I wonder if it's all just a fabrication, courtesy of our imagination, giving us complexes and singling out the quirks from the abhorrences that are so "socially unacceptable."
I fear all of the normal things to fear in life. I fear that time will not bring the things I seek... I fear maybe I don't know if the things I seek are really what I want... but will I ever know until I have or don't have them?
When I bother to look, will I still care, or will I have already settled?
Consistence. Persistence. Compliance. Reliance. Faith.
let us hope it all adds up

k

where is my head?

Again...
Over and over and over again... all it takes is practice... then you will succeed...?
This is what I'm being fed as I begin my once-travelled journey once again.

this the most disguisting four-letter word... or should I say, the most disgusting four-letter abbreviation.
what does it prove anyways?
does it prove you're smart?
does it prove you'll make it to the end without going insane?
what does it test?
stamina and reasoning ability under pressure.
ah, really good qualities to have as a doctor, no?
but are you human?
a score too high might suggest otherwise.
a score too low might suggest an overabundance of "human" quailites.
like what?
succeptability to making mistakes.
but don't they say they want doctors that care about people?
the system suggests otherwise.
didn't you say you wanted a husband, and kids?
yes.
and you're going to do all that and be a doctor too?
it's all about perception and how you deal with things.
apparently.
so what are you waiting for?

k