catching up, dying and being superwoman

I'd like to have a normal life, but then again, they're pretty overrated aren't they?
On a sad note, my uncle died last night... he had been in a coma for a week and a half and was taken off of the ventilator last night. He breathed on his own for three hours and then could not continue. He is in a better place now. I know that for certain. While my uncle was not well and once abused his body, there will always be sadness in his passing. While the chaplain said prayers over his unconscious body… and while he anointed his yellow forehead tears came to my eyes, more for my step-mom and my aunt than anyone. I could barely sleep last night, sick and restless, awoken by nightmares of my life and my poor uncle.
And if this upsets me...how the hell am I ever going to be a doctor without some sort of sedative? I suppose I pride myself on being un-medicated, but I fear the days when this may no longer be true are fast approaching... the normalcy of my life, I'm beginning to realize is a figment of my own imagination. I'm fucked up, just like everyone else, thank you. At least I can still usually stand to look at myself in the mirror when I wake up in the morning.
It is the perfectionist in me that is my worst enemy. Believing in God and having the faith to pursue my dreams... it takes a lot more strength than passing the classes and taking the test. It takes passion.I can't wait for august. I can't wait to have a life again. I can't wait to have my own space. I can't wait to find a man who truly loves me. I can't wait to save a life. please help me get to it. soon.

k

world view

Why so often do we feel so afraid, sick, or just apathetic to do something new?
I consider myself a pretty outgoing and personable person... I'll strike up a conversation quite easily with new people. But honestly sometimes I feel like a stranger in my own body... I imagine the things I could do if I wasn't attached to my own skin, then imagine all of the things I can do while attached to it. At times it can be nice to see a glimpse of a different version of yourself, almost as if seeing yourself through someone else's eyes.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone that you had almost made up in your mind before it ever even happened? I mean, where everything literally happened the way you had imagined it would? This happened to me a week ago. Everything I had thought of while sitting there talking to him, he brought up, even before I had mentioned it. Had he either glimpsed into my mind, or am I just an incredibly easy person to read (the exact opposite of what I've been told before, by the way). Maybe he saw a version of my soul. Maybe the whole thing was anything but real. It was as if two unrelated cars drove to the exact same insignificant place. Then the feeling of surprise when you get there and someone else has arrived too. When two worlds collide for some meaningful moment, but then are just as nonchalantly and easily erased in your mind and in reality.
Skepticism is a powerful tool. It can help you just as easily as it can destroy you. Sometimes I wish I could throw it out the window....just to live. To see the world with untainted, trusting eyes. Maybe then I would not be so blind.

k