searching for inspiration

I've been feeling less than inspired to write lately. I don't know what's wrong with me, but this always happens when I go through phases of self-loathing... when you feel like your thoughts are less than interesting and that no one really cares about what you're thinking... so here's a story instead:
I met a patient today who had "exploratory" surgery to remove a cyst on top of her brain beneath the meninges. Her surgeon was in his first year of practice after his residency. Well, since I met her in neuro rehab, you can probably guess that something didn't go too well. Apparently, there we numerous complications after an extremely long surgery that were not warranted... there was negligence involved. The woman has severe short-term memory problems and due to extreme disequilibrium, cannot walk. The most remarkable thing about it is her strong spirit, her desire to improve and her positive attitude. Her husband was just as incredible... her whole family was wonderfully supportive in fact. He takes care of her, is with her every waking hour of the day and manages her care. Without them, she would not be the strong woman she has become, with a will to live and a desire to heal. They both wear Lance Amstrong's yellow band LiveStrong bracelets. Never has the sentiment seemed more true.
Her husband is fascinated with my desire to go into medicine. I am amazed at how he doesn't let himself be jaded by what has happened to his wife as a result of a doctor's mistake. How wonderful that he truly looks at the world in a positive light. "You'll be an amazing doctor," He says, I raise an eyebrow and give him a skeptical look. "Just because you really care about people, I can tell in the way you listen to us and talk to us," he says. They have been married for 24 years. I wish her luck in her rehab.
It's inspiring to meet a patient and family with such spirit.
k

remind me again about trust...

it's bizarre to think you can like so many things about a person, yet still know it all just doesn't work for you...
while it is late and I'm sure my brain is really only working half in english (this is what a Spanish term paper will do to you), and my fingers are having trouble finding the right keys, I have come to realize why my tempter has not succeeded...
my trust. he does not have it, nor deserve it, but it was my instinct that first told me this... I was just not able to pinpoint the exact reason why.
how can you even give him a chance? they say. he does not deserve you.
no, he doesn't, and I will not have him, and it cannot be a chance if the opportunity is not given. people think they know everything--leave me out of it all, I say.
The only truth in sight is-- he only wants to take. Some take, some give, some give more than take, some take more than give, and some take it all. with no remorse and no return.
to think I should offer a kind shoulder only to have it stolen or bruised or broken.
my mind's clear, but the sky is cloudy, and the water is polluted. don't jump in. you'll drown.
k

wandering

The weeks are flying by... it was really just weeks ago when I was complaining for it all to be over, and now we're almost there. actually close to the end. When I think about it, as much of a pain as school is, with all the stress and the deadlines, and even late nights without sleep, it is admittedly... fun. I enjoy learning, and I will keep it up in my obligatory year off. I've backed myself into a corner, and I'm a geek... it becomes just one more reason for the selection of my chosen profession, one that forces a lifetime of learning.
It's fun to look around a room filed with college students... you think maybe you couldn't have anything in common with them other than the fact that you all attend the same fine institution... but we are all wandering, working, pausing, pondering for direction in life... on different paths... to where? Adulthood. I get lost in feeling like I'm 13 and then 40, all in the same emotion. A nervous glance, a real smile, a grimace, a stare... we all share them, but do they adequately hide our anxiety about being plain directionless?
Can I take anything with me, when I go? This is an important question, but no, you can't choose, all you can do is accept what will come and what will not... is it fair? NO... this is life.
k

girl things

I love being a girl. Have I said that before?... I think so.
This will be one of those kinds of frilly, "this is how my day has been" sort of posts. I hate reading those. Oh well. You can tune out now if that suits you.
My latest treat to myself has been the discovery that I can afford to get manicures twice a month. Let me tell you about this phenomenon: it takes me two hours to paint my nails with no mistakes and no bubbles... it takes a manicurist twenty minutes, plus they're literally perfect. At the price of a manicure with my current salary, it costs two and a half times more to do it myself. I'm sold... and loving it. Have I convinced you yet?
Going in to a nail salon is like going into a guys locker room, I would imagine (since I have never been in the guys locker room when there were actually guys in there!). We gossip, poke fun at each other, talk about men and discuss our weekend plans. It's a little sanctuary where we all have something in common... we're prissy. I used to hate those "Scottsdale" wives that I would see going into nail salons... I would not be one of them. They were "silicone blessed" trophy wives, and I was mean, I would make fun of all the empty space they must have had in their heads. But alas, while we all congregate there twice monthly, I have come to realize that there is still a difference between myself and the Stepfor... uh, I mean, Scottsdale wives. Acrylic. I prefer au naturel, thanks.
I've been having the best time with my future roommate Jamie. We've been friends for five years or so, but after our recent bonding experience (a.k.a. the U2 concert), we've been text messaging each other like a bunch of giddy thirteen year olds. It's just such good, (mostly) clean fun! She is now obsessed with U2, and I can't say I'm much better, but I didn't buy 6 CDs in one day!!! We also share a love of doing other girly things, like shopping for matching bras and undies at Vicki's secret and sunbathing on the beach with a book in Mexico... but we're just dorks in general, and it's great.
Ah, moving out... it's a pain, but it's exciting. It's a new beginning, hopefully with a fresh start and good friends. I've lived with two too many bad roommates, and let me tell you it's not worth it, but I am not worried at all about these two. Unlike the others, they are respectful, and kind. Respect is really the key in a roommate relationship, it dictates all of your behaviors towards one another... from putting a new role of TP on, to rinsing your dishes and wiping the counters after you cook. It makes a huge difference and is most definitely appreciated.
with perfect pink nails,
<3
k

control freak

I have an admission to make... and no, don't get out the pen and paper and jot notes so you can begin to psychoanalyze me, if you please. I am a control freak. There, I said, it... upon a really long conversation with a very good friend today, now as my sheltered world has been upset just enough to let a foot dangle off the edge of a cliff...
It all started out innocent, as innocent and childish as a conversation about email personality tests can possibly be, "have you tried the Buddhist personality test, you know, the one where you rank the different animals, and it's supposed to tell your 'subconscious' priorities in life?" "Yeah, I have... hmmm, my ranking went like this: 1. Love, 2. Career, 3. Family, 4. Pride, and 5. Money."
It didn't dawn on me at first how awkward it was... the girl who's never let herself have a "real boyfriend" (whatever that would be anyways), finds love to be her first "subconscious" priority? Then I began to really think about it, when I got a little choked up "yeah, you know, when you're drifting off to sleep at night, you don't really think about your career, do you?"
Then I realized, all of those other aspects of life you already have or they can be won or gained, with a lot of effort and time, but love... that's not something you can bargain for... it's the only thing that's not a sure bet. It's the only thing I can't seem to let myself make time for.
Envision Bridget Jones spinsterhood... living with twenty cats and all of my designer handbags. Scary....
But what it all seems to come down to is control, the thought of relinquishing my heart to just anyone makes me squirm. The thought of being too vulnerable, after which too many bruises can lead to callouses is frightening... how can you let yourself be one of those scarred, helpless victims that just lets life happen to them, and makes no attempt to be less passive? But without vulnerability, without potential injury, can you even get anywhere from here?
If love in all forms is goodness, give me the strength to feel and to take forward steps...
See you in the clouds
k

big words

If no one ever uses big words in conversation with children, how are they supposed to learn, let alone expand their vocabulary? I was having a conversation with my four year old niece at dinner this evening, and she was telling me about her friend's brother's tree frog. The word "rainforest" came up on my end of the conversation, but before my niece even had the chance to ask me what a rainforest was (and she would have too) my brother-in-law interrupts me to say, "why do you bother using such complicated words when you talk to her?" Hello??? I thought talking to a child, as an adult, you're supposed to keep them company and teach them things...to explain what they should and shouldn't do in the world. How are they ever going to know about things if you don't give them the opportunity to ask?
I just kept to myself. It wasn't even worth responding to. It wasn't like I was using words such as ubiquitous or parsimonious...it would take him too long to comment before he would even figure out what those words meant. I know, when I have children of my own, I'll make it mandatory for him to only use words larger than 8 letters when he talks to them. I'm trying to facilitate learning, and I get scolded. Yeah, what do I know, right?
Like many four year olds, my niece is pretty smart, but she's got to be given the chance. Kids are amazing, they are like sponges, easily learning two or three languages at a time. They love to talk, but adults refuse to pay attention... so many people have kids but spend no time devoted to their development. Children are an investment, but require guidance along the way. It's not like putting ten grand into a savings account, not touching it and getting a 2% return in twenty years. Well, my point is, we can't expect kids to know what we don't teach them, and we should have high standards for them, for they will strive to achieve, it's in their spirit to do so, especially when we can provide an accommodating environment.
k

scandanavian furniture meets temptation

2 hours at Ikea, which is actually a pretty a short amount of time for that gigantic store... is enough to make you tired...really tired. I purchased some furniture for my new place, even though I don't technically have one yet. All of this, plus class this am on 2 hrs of sleep.
After the U2 concert last night, which was amazing, but late, I couldn't really sleep due to all of the excitement--we had such an incredible time. My friend Jamie called about three minutes ago so I could listen to U2's set tonight over her cell phone (it's true, we are pathetic!). They are electric-- teeming with excitement and energy. It was a spiritual experience. My whole body was charged while hearing Bono's voice and Edge's perfectly articulated riffs... you never want to leave this feeling of energy, purity, sweetness and kindness penetrating your ears and as the words seep from your mouth and your eyes weep with gladness just to exist. "God uses science... it is but one of his many instruments" he says... he's right too. I think to myself... God uses you too Bono, as you bring us and the world joy and the capability that arises from awareness, we are all instruments of God.
Next case in point-- the complete converse of good natured spirituality, all in the same week... those who seek corruption in others. "Don't let the devil tempt you with 'innocent' sleepovers," she says. What am I, stupid? We all know what we're getting into before we actually get into it, but the question people ask themselves is, can I deal with the consequences of my actions? Or, they don't think at all. And sometimes they care, sometimes they don't. It's amazing how accountability can go out the window so easily when you "selectively" forget that you have to live with yourself the next morning. Keep your eyes open and things in focus even when the edges blur. Sometimes seemingly nice things can be distracting, and sometimes seemingly apathetic nice things are worth the wait. I'll take the latter.
k

Song of the Day: "Miracle Drug" by U2

fun...or else

I'm all out of insightful/interesting/meaningful/useless things to say about my life, or anyone else's, and my brain's pretty drained this week, so here's a diversion from blogthings.com-- my many different names...compiled from a few relevant questions and a lot of random ones:

Kimberly Rachel Brandt's Aliases

Your movie star name: Madison Michael

Your fashion designer name is Kimberly London

Your socialite name is Kimmi Berlin

Your fly girl / guy name is K Bra

Your detective name is Koala Mountain Ridge

Your barfly name is Orange Appletini

Your soap opera name is Rachel Grovers

Your rock star name is Dark Chocolate Jet

Your star wars name is Kimjes Bradav

Your punk rock band name is The Elated Bookmark

k

Song of the Day: "Love Song" By The Cure

the next generation

It's funny how you don't realize how much your life is consumed with something until it's taken away, when you feel like a piece of you is missing. It's not that you can't can't go on without it, but life just becomes different. For me, getting into med school was a bigger part of my life than I estimated it to be. I think about all of the time I spend studying, all the weekends that have been consumed by projects and huge lab reports, just to get good grades, and the job I've worked for five years, all just to be in the field, the Friday late night internship at the ER, and then all of these wonderful, yet demanding extra-curriculars. With several factors falling out of the equation, my life's about to take a different course, but this should be a good thing. Hopefully being away from the lot of it will give me a chance to re-affirm my chosen profession. Not that I need any reassurance, but I'll let myself think about it... a lot.
Here's a tangent-- why do half the people on facebook have pictures of themselves getting drunk and/or half clothed? Is this really the image people want to convey: "me, last night, drunker than sh*t, with my top off?" And then they wonder why the "cute" frat boys don't call the next day... gee, I wonder. Last time I checked, real people figure out how overrated that crap is after their first semester. They try it, realize how stupid it is and move on. Some never have to try it to figure it out, and some even do it before college. The point is-- can't we all just grow up? We want to be taken seriously as responsible adults, but then still want to act like a bunch of retards on the weekends. hmmm, I'm about to join this lovely flock of recent grads, now where do I go to get away from them?
k

Song of the Day: "Milk" By Garbage

new beginnings

So, today I did finally get the rejection letter I've been waiting for. Bah-humbug. Join me in my train of thought, if you will. The news of late has prompted me to vigorously consider alternatives-- case in point: a M.A. in bioethics. The pluses- it's a part-time program that can be completed in 15 months, no GRE required, I might be able to start this fall, or definitely spring and it's about 5 miles from my house. The minus- it'll cost about $18,000. Hmmmm... in the grand scheme of things, seems like a small amount of money, especially if I can work while I'm going and I won't have to pay for living expenses. If I did the traditional two year M.S. in biology, genetics, ect, at ASU I'd have to wait until next fall, I'd be going full time, doing some professor's research for him while being a T.A., paying about $12,000 in tuition, and I wouldn't be able to work outside of the program. While the M.S. would give me more technical and research experience, the M.A. would give me a more of the humanitarian and patient care aspect of medicine. Would it make a difference M.A. vs. M.S. for med school? It's still graduate level coursework, and both would be considered related fields. I need to just give it a break for a while and let it stew.
OH! But wait, before I go, maybe there's still time for the ceremonial cremation of my rejection letter, are you up for it?!?
k

Song of the Day: "Perfect Blue Sky" By Junkie XL Feat. Robert Smith

it's raining viagra

So I got something interesting in the mail today-- and sadly, no, it was not the rejection letter from med school that I have been hoping for. It was none other than a jury summons! It's interesting, I started getting the darn things since I registered to vote at age 18 and they haven't stopped coming...I have literally gotten 1 per year, and a person can only serve once in a two year time frame. There are 2 other adults at my residence who are registered to vote, but do they get summoned? No. The good thing is I can actually show up for once because it's scheduled for the middle of May, when I won't be in class. I look at this as an opportunity to serve the community-- I know, I'm a dork, but it's exciting.
Here-- I have an enlightening story for you. We had a Medicare patient at work today who wanted to come in and get a Lupron injection, which is a medication for the treatment of certain types of cancer. The poor man has no prescription benefits, oh, but you're thinking since it's a treatment for cancer, potentially life saving at that, of course it'll be covered. Wrong-- Medicare will reimburse a maximum of $600 for his dose, regardless of the fact that the medication costs well over $2000 for a dose. I don't even want to know how much he gets in social security benefits, it'll make me sick-- something he was promised would pay off in the end doesn't even make ends meet. Heck, if he was a healthy person he could barely make it, heaven forbid anyone over 65 dare get sick and not have any money to pay for it. If you ever wanted any more incentive to start saving and investing for your retirement-- here, it has been offered.
But what's really interesting is how the behavior of the pharmaceutical companies is causing the outrageous prices of these medications. True, they are entitled to make a profit on a product that they spent millions on and years investing in--this is intrinsic to capitalism. But is it right for them to be able to write off frivolous product promotional expenses?? Hmmm, I'd be willing to bet men would rather just ask their doctor to speed through the "glamorous side effects" of Viagra in a sexy deep voice rather than having a multi-million dollar ad campaign to remind them of their sexual "inadequacies." Oh, and bonus points if the cost goes down $5 per pill. YIKES!!! Does anyone else see where the source of increasing prescription drug costs is coming from? Direct to patient advertising-- hey, why don't we just eliminate physicians entirely? And you don't want to hear about the amount of money these companies spend on schmoosing the docs!! Every Wednesday, our office gets a fully catered lunch, sponsored by a pharmaceutical company, costing at least $300-- every WEEK! And we're not even the worst, some offices have drug-rep lunches every day they're in the office. It's sickening.
I'm not saying we need to eliminate tax deductions for business promotion, that would be crazy, but can we say, limit/regulate it a bit more?! I'd take one for the team and give up those lovely lunches if I knew it could decrease the cost of prescriptions for my grandparents and patients in situations like the man in the office today. There's always W's new prescription benefit coming up in '07. We'll see how that works, all I know is these people need something. We all do.
k

broken hearts and independence

It's comforting to know how fast broken hearts can heal with a little TLC. But it still baffles me how minds cannot make themselves up about what direction to take in life.
Imagine not knowing yourself well enough to know what you want in life: the kind of life you want to live, the kind of things you enjoy, the kind of man you want to marry, the kind of person you want to be. Maybe that's the reason people get so lost and caught up in less than meaningful relationships. Before concentrating on improving themselves and deciding, plus following through with what kind of person they want to be, people side-step the focus and dive into trying to be "complete" by finding another. But isn't it logical to think that if you don't like yourself, when you're naked, alone and facing yourself in the mirror, how can you expect to give the amount of love and respect that others deserve if you can't give it to yourself?
It's true that people, being social animals, are meant to live with others. Still, we are autonomous, and many of us take it for granted. We become co-dependent on our parents, friends or lovers, forget what it's like to be alone, and then run to find shelter in the arms of another as soon as life gets rough. We can't help it. It's in our nature. But independence is liberating--it leaves us vulnerable yet discriminating against ourselves. Once we find it, we'll put it on a shelf, be proud to say we've experienced it and then go back to co-dependency.
Here's to you Bono, it's true, sometimes you can't make it on your own, but that's alright.
k

pseudo "love" and loss

The world needs more shoulders to cry on, and less judgment. She who is eternally single will always be there for the ones plagued by love and loss, because she has not yet let her heart be kept or broken. She shuns those who toy with love because she feels they do not and cannot understand its power. "You understand love so well," they say, but she is afraid to experience its force. Perhaps it is those who have not let it penetrate them who can remain objective, without hiding in its shadows meanwhile secretly longing for another round. However, it should be said how love comes in many forms--romantic love is just one morph. Maybe it is overrated, but one thing for sure is that "pseudo love" is the cheapest, most plastic thing to ever have been experienced, or invented for that matter. I do feel for those who have "loved" and lost, but let them hold on to the hope that truth lies in their future if they are willing to keep their eyes open when it comes upon them. Waiting for the real thing is the best part, and nothing can be more real than love.
k