monet

You Are Best Described By...

Impression, Sunrise By Claude Monet

k

post mcat

I almost met my Seth Cohen tonight at a bar of all places... luckily his striped polo shirt and my fine spun navy blue silk shell grazed as I headed for the bathroom, yellow frothy drink in hand. His eyes were first to catch mine, his dark curls grazed his brows as be leaned forward towards my ear. "What are you drinking?" Uhhh... well... "I believe it's an amaretto sour... and even if you asked, I couldn't tell you what's in it." he smiled. hmmm... nice teeth too. "I'd wager amaretto." I laughed, but it wasn't funny, not even witty really. "I prefer to stick to something I can keep track of..." He lifted a pint to reveal what must have been some sort of good old american beer. piss yellow. yuck. it was probably Bud Light. He quickly sucked up a sip from the glass, almost impatient to reveal his well-mannered worldliness: "I can't stand domestics, but I love Heineken, especially in such good company." We made small talk a few moments longer, but my bladder had the best of me. Liquour is both a blessing and a curse of the social life, and what it amounts to is usually an "almost" or a "never should have been." damn. It's a shame my mind can't fool me, because he looked so good in that light.

k

Institute

I went to their amazing concert last night...
It's been too long since I've been to a concert. The sound of Gavin's new band, a bit harsher, heavier than Bush, a good change... a grown up departure, and thank you God, it's not pop. Not that I don't like some pop to an extent... but it's good to know his wife hasn't destroyed him yet, and the soul of the music is still pure. Perhaps my favorite among his deviations was Bush's "Deconstructed" in the late 90's... an electro-trip-hop twist on some old favorites as mixed by artists such as tricky and others. fun stuff. Liking them since I was in 7th grade... it's quite interesting to have seen them mature as I have.
As for the concert-- I wonder if the feelings of joy and ecstasy will ever leave? When I go to a concert when I'm 45 will there still be the same draw-- the same pull that keeps me in sway with the beat? The feeling that keeps my eyes glued to the stage, hands swaying with the beat of the music, the sweat pouring down my face and my neck. enchanted by the gentle grace of a man who plays the guitar. But alas, he does not just play the guitar... he makes love to the guitar. As his eyes lock mine, it's difficult, rather, impossible, to drift away, but who wants to? How is it possible to exude such raw desire, intensity and sensuality to capture an audience so, and seemingly without effort? Is it his cooing, brooding, sweet soft lyrics that capture the pain of desire, love and misunderstanding? Or the slight rasp of his well-chosen words from his soft-spoken british tongue as he mouths them? with the sad parts... grimaces of pain ("to lose you is to never love again"), and the hopeful parts... raised arms to the sky in desperation and surrender ("love is stronger than hate-- find that love in a wasteland"). He smiles and laughs at the crowd. He enjoys a lovely shot glass filled to the brim with the best tequila the house offers... it finds its rightful path to the pit of his stomach, burning all the way down, and a squeeze of sweet, spunky lime juice cools the burn. A small lick of salt from warm flesh completes the task as the largest grin I've ever seen finds its way to his face."You're trying to get me drunk, aren't you?" He reaches for his candy-apple red vintage Fender stratocaster. As he places the fuzzy leopard-print strap over his head, it wraps comfortably around his damp torso-- just as he was born for it to be there. The lights illuminate behind him, each stray, damp, perfectly coiled hair catches it, glistening as he pushes it from his face. He reaches out a hand... then serenedes our ears with the sweet omnipresent "Glycerine," (which might be the only song still heard on the radio anymore). I've been to three Bush concerts previously... never heard it live before. Let me tell you... it was worth it. all of it.

k

Good song: "Come on Over" by Institute

personal statement

as of this evening... my apps are officially submitted. Here's my essay:

Making the decision to become a physician has been an aspect of my life that guides many of my daily activities. At Arizona State, I focused on two essential areas of life: both the knowledge and the practice of subjects within the fields of science and culture. Studying biology has given me the tools to understand the structure of the world and how it works in processes, while studying Spanish has helped me to communicate and understand various cultural situations and their interactions on many levels. Communication is a universal process, yet it can be drastically different within cultural boundaries. In order to further my own cultural awareness, I have studied and spoken Spanish for the past six years and I look forward to the opportunity to connect with multicultural patients on a daily basis as a physician.

Many of the experiences in medicine that remain with me have been the result of patient interaction through my job as a medical secretary at a private internal medicine practice. With this job, I experience both the joy and the disappointments that primary care medicine currently faces. Working with patients is a truly rewarding experience, and having the opportunity to interact with them on a daily basis gives me a great insight into my desire and capacity for the field of medicine; it has also shown me the often subtle interaction between the aspects of the body and the mind and the significance of good communication. Patience, respect, and good listening skills seem to have more of an influence than any medication prescribed. My experiences have helped me to understand the importance of compassion and shown me how essential it is to be the kind of person that embodies these qualities, both for my own sake and the sake of others.

As a community college biology and chemistry tutor, my experiences have helped me to understand how challenging and rewarding it can be to help others. The students I help at the learning center remind me very much of the patients I work with every day. Though the two situations may seem strikingly different at first, our positions are often not so distinct. Both students and patients come seeking aid and guidance, and my position is to inform and reassure them, while helping to give them the tools they need to actively work towards the positive progression of their condition. Volunteering at the hospital has also helped me to connect my compassion for others with my commitment to serve them, and it has guided me on an significant pathway by which I feel I can positively impact the lives of others, even if only in the smallest way.

One of my most vivid experiences in the field happened during my pre-med internship in the emergency department. A man in his forties had recently undergone cardiac surgery, and was unfortunately returning to the hospital in cardiac arrest. I performed chest compressions and assisted with CPR while the amount of energy and effort coming from everyone in the room became incredibly intense. However, it was in the aftermath that I realized where the true energy would be expended when the man could not be revived and he passed away just beneath my gloved, clenched hands. His wife and three children arrived minutes after he had died, and no words could comfort their grief. While they questioned why he had died and what they would do without him, it didn’t matter that I didn’t have the answers to their questions. The important thing was that the team was there to handle his tragic situation when it became dire, that we had done everything within our power and knowledge to do, and that we cared enough to stay there and comfort them with compassion and sensitivity.

This experience, more than any other, gave me a sense of how medicine is a truly integral part of the dynamic community—it provides the stability that helps to keep order in the craziness of the modern world, and while in some ways, at many times it can be quite complex, the glue that keeps it together is simple: morality, integrity, empathy and sensitivity. As Oliver Wendell Holmes said: “the truth is that medicine, professedly founded on observation, is as sensitive to outside influences, political, religious, philosophical, imaginative, as is the barometer to the changes of atmospheric density.”

It has been the combination of many aspects of my experiences in the medical field and otherwise that have helped me to decide becoming physician is the right path for me. Seeing not only the positive aspects of medicine, but also the realities of frustration and the limitations within the constraints of the modern system has given me an often blatantly bold view of the dream I actively seek. I do not fear the future of medicine, nor do I look towards it blindly; I embrace it, knowing it is the nature of physicians that will continue to hold the integrity and compassion at the heart of medicine.

k

good song: "Hide & Seek" by Imogen Heap

reach inside and...

think, think, think...
a patient told me last week:
"I live inside my head, and only when my body is hurt do I even know it's there..."
It might help to know he has a schizoaffective disorder.
beta-blockers, oh beta-blockers, where are you when I need you?
This is something serious for a girl like me who is often overly-conservative when it comes to medication for anxiety, but there is a point when the pressure amounts to be too much.
why do I want to be a doctor? If I can't even get through this damn test without groping for a pill to help me up, how can I ever stand on my own feet as a physician?
Maybe that's why so many physicians become addicted to their own prescriptions. ouch. scratch that from the Rx pad.
at least beta-blockers are non-addictive.
I've made it this far for this long, why ruin a good thing? It's just that sometimes you think even your own heart is saying you're not good enough.
and I keep standing. keep waking up. keep walking, talking, breathing, beating, loving. all for something.

k

good song: "letting the cables sleep" by bush