control freak
I have an admission to make... and no, don't get out the pen and paper and jot notes so you can begin to psychoanalyze me, if you please. I am a control freak. There, I said, it... upon a really long conversation with a very good friend today, now as my sheltered world has been upset just enough to let a foot dangle off the edge of a cliff...
It all started out innocent, as innocent and childish as a conversation about email personality tests can possibly be, "have you tried the Buddhist personality test, you know, the one where you rank the different animals, and it's supposed to tell your 'subconscious' priorities in life?" "Yeah, I have... hmmm, my ranking went like this: 1. Love, 2. Career, 3. Family, 4. Pride, and 5. Money."
It didn't dawn on me at first how awkward it was... the girl who's never let herself have a "real boyfriend" (whatever that would be anyways), finds love to be her first "subconscious" priority? Then I began to really think about it, when I got a little choked up "yeah, you know, when you're drifting off to sleep at night, you don't really think about your career, do you?"
Then I realized, all of those other aspects of life you already have or they can be won or gained, with a lot of effort and time, but love... that's not something you can bargain for... it's the only thing that's not a sure bet. It's the only thing I can't seem to let myself make time for.
Envision Bridget Jones spinsterhood... living with twenty cats and all of my designer handbags. Scary....
But what it all seems to come down to is control, the thought of relinquishing my heart to just anyone makes me squirm. The thought of being too vulnerable, after which too many bruises can lead to callouses is frightening... how can you let yourself be one of those scarred, helpless victims that just lets life happen to them, and makes no attempt to be less passive? But without vulnerability, without potential injury, can you even get anywhere from here?
If love in all forms is goodness, give me the strength to feel and to take forward steps...
See you in the clouds
k
It all started out innocent, as innocent and childish as a conversation about email personality tests can possibly be, "have you tried the Buddhist personality test, you know, the one where you rank the different animals, and it's supposed to tell your 'subconscious' priorities in life?" "Yeah, I have... hmmm, my ranking went like this: 1. Love, 2. Career, 3. Family, 4. Pride, and 5. Money."
It didn't dawn on me at first how awkward it was... the girl who's never let herself have a "real boyfriend" (whatever that would be anyways), finds love to be her first "subconscious" priority? Then I began to really think about it, when I got a little choked up "yeah, you know, when you're drifting off to sleep at night, you don't really think about your career, do you?"
Then I realized, all of those other aspects of life you already have or they can be won or gained, with a lot of effort and time, but love... that's not something you can bargain for... it's the only thing that's not a sure bet. It's the only thing I can't seem to let myself make time for.
Envision Bridget Jones spinsterhood... living with twenty cats and all of my designer handbags. Scary....
But what it all seems to come down to is control, the thought of relinquishing my heart to just anyone makes me squirm. The thought of being too vulnerable, after which too many bruises can lead to callouses is frightening... how can you let yourself be one of those scarred, helpless victims that just lets life happen to them, and makes no attempt to be less passive? But without vulnerability, without potential injury, can you even get anywhere from here?
If love in all forms is goodness, give me the strength to feel and to take forward steps...
See you in the clouds
k
posted by Kim at 9:10 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home